I don’t love pregnancy. I don’t enjoy it. I want my body back, I want to feel normal again. But I don’t want it to end until baby is ready to be born. I’m just tired of feeling like an alien in my own skin. No one ever tells you how much you can hate being pregnant they only tell you how great it is. How wonderful it is, how blessed you are to be able to carry such a precious gift. But really, it’s awful. I feel like shit 20/24 hours a day, I sleep like crap, I’m either hungry and sick or I eat and feel sick there is no “okay” feeling. I’m not excited to be a mom, I’m not looking forward to sleepless nights and I’m scared I’m going to fail at it. I’m afraid I won’t love my baby enough that I won’t do it right, that it won’t love me because of how I feel right now. All I wanted was to be pregnant and to have a baby and I hate it now. I feel like I fucked up and there is no turning back. I feel like I’m ruining this experience for my husband. I just don’t know what to do anymore…
So after 5/6 grueling months WE’RE PREGNANT!!! On a whim Thursday night we decided I’d take a test Friday morning (even though I normally would have waited until Monday when I was supposed to start) it turned positive almost immediately too! It took everything in me not to tell EVERYONE at work! I even psyched myself out to the point of worrying that it had been a false positive so when I got home from work I tested again and it still said pregnant! Since I needed a doctor to verify for my insurance we went to the clinic at Walmart and they said positive too!!! IM SO HAPPY/EXCITED/NERVOUS!!!!!!! YAY!
This is how I spend my life. turned 3 today!
Everyone I have ever met has posted some sort of photo on some social media of whatever gifts they got from everyone and their brother. Aka they are all trying to shove their “love” and money in everyone’s faces. I didn’t get anything expensive and I didn’t give anything that cost an arm and a leg but I’m more than please with what I did receive. Even though I got a negative pregnancy test, it means I can be drunk for New Years Eve (always an upside to downsides), I get to spend Christmas with my parents for the first time in two years, and I’m married to the most amazing man I could ever ask for (even if he has to work today). By far my favorite and most treasured gift was a framed picture my husband gave me, of us on our wedding day. Behind the photo was a letter he had written me and it meant more to me than anything I could ever ask for. So shove that in your stocking!